Prohibition Party

Our Glorious History

2004-11-17T15:05:00.000-08:00

We would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to this glorious rundown of the history of our struggle against the legal but sinful plimming of intoxicating libations. We would also like to give a shout out to our sisters in toil, the Women's Christian Temperance Movement, who share in our concerns for the lesser beings of weak moral and spiritual character.

A Vote for Damnation

2004-11-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

In a disappointing development, South Carolina has voted for the free pour.

The unofficial Prohibition Party is against "free" anything. As long as the minibottle was the legal way of serving liquor, South Carolinians had a distinct measure of the increments their souls were being meted out to the Enemy. Now, as one voter put it, ". . . if you know the bartender, you might order a single but end up getting a double or a triple."

Home distillers (of which there are many in South Carolina) will certainly suffer, as their backwoods consumers can get, with a little wheedling and friendly conversation, much more "hoochie pop" than they were previously allotted.

We will, of course, pray for the misguided.

Enablers

2004-10-25T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is the opinion of a "therapist" in Mississippi: Dependence on drugs or alcohol not a moral issue

It is this type of dangerous thinking that is directly opposed to the tenets of the unofficial Prohibition Party. To argue that alcohol addiction is a medical condition and not a basic failure of character is just another example of the lack of accountability running rampant through our society.

Finding these easy excuses for inexcusable behavior only makes alcohol more easy to obtain, because the onus is off the mass distillers and distributors. Thus, it is less likely that these companies will be driven out of business - which is our ultimate goal. As long as corporate behemoths like Anheuser-Busch and Seagram's exist, the home brewer cannot enjoy any meaningful success.

Why the Voting Age should be higher than 18

2004-10-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

We were horrified to come across this story in our stronghold state of Kentucky. While school officials may think letting teenagers participate in a mock election is an appropriate way to introduce them to the workings of a democracy, it is, unfortunately, more useful as a tool to judge the extent of their corruption by society.

It was heartening to see these children vote to keep homosexual relations out of our wedding chapels, but it was equally disheartening to see them advocate (at a two-to-one margin) the sale of alcoholic beverages in restaurants. Obviously, the students are not familiar with the connection between homosexuality and the consumption of cosmopolitans coupled with stimulating conversation with a same-sex colleague over a plate of linguine.

We will immediately begin work on a pamphlet that addresses this issue.

Staggering Statistics

2004-10-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

Statistics claim that some 62.5 percentage of adults in the United States have consumed at least one glass of alcohol in the last year. These figures give a clear picture as to the awesome amount of work we have ahead of us. It is the official hope of the unofficial Prohibition Party that, with drudgery and prayer, we can see those numbers remain the same or increase, with the difference being that every last one of these adults will be breaking the law. We are, after all, better than them in our moral fiber and unwillingness to flinch when faced with blandishing mortal sins.

The Programming of Temptation

2004-10-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

We would just like to say that we heartily disapprove of this type of programming, which glamorizes temptation and vice by interviewing toothless hillbillies in regards to their "art" of producing moonshine. Especially since these are exactly the kinds of people that will be made rich once our party plans come to fruition and the practice of home brewing becomes more common and rewarding.

A Word on Dens of Sin

2004-10-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

The world is full of sin, and there are many establishments that, despite the fine efforts of our predecessors, still spread their poison through insidious promotions like "Happy Hour" and "Ladies Night."

Firstly, there is no true happiness to be found during this so-called "Happy Hour," at least not for its participants; especially since the Enemy is, while the patrons take their twisted communion of martinis and bruchetta, tittering with joy and rubbing his cloven hooves together in anticipation of the day when their souls will be but flotsam on the Lake of Fire.

Second, "Ladies Night" does not produce any ladies. To the contrary, no woman is a lady after three hours of half-priced drinks.

For official members of the unofficial People's Prohibition Party, these places are to be avoided, unless you would kneel on the sidewalk and pray for the souls of the misled inside.

The Unofficial Post About Queers

2004-10-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

We are, of course, the official site of the unofficial Prohibitionist Party. Being as much we feel our obligation to post our official opinion about other unofficial matters that are not related to the sinful and mortal consumption of alcoholic spirits, we offer our weekly feature on Matters Other Than Alcohol:

The "gays":
After long, exhaustive research of reliable sources* and great thought, we have decided that it is the official position of the unofficial party that if God had so intended for two men to lay in sin together so that they might fornicate in a single bed, he would have given them bigger assholes.

*said sources being quickly accessed by such prosaic searches as "hot gay male love sex", or so I've been told by our crack investigative team, their thankless job.

The Right Message

2004-10-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

We would just like to mention that we heartily endorse the message conveyed in these posters, even if they were created by Soviet-era commie bastards.

Wrong At Any Age

2004-10-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

We are not quite sure what to make of the figures mentioned at this site, where ostensible data indicating that the average age when Americans developed heavy drinking habits were actually higher prior to and following the regrettable end of Prohibition. This is entirely irrelevant, not only because we are self-righteous blowhards, but because the consumption of Satan's poison at any age is immoral and contradictory to the social values of America.

Statistics Don't Lie (But People Do)

2004-10-06T14:05:00.001-07:00

We at the official headquarters of the unofficial Prohibition Party are currently considering the adoption of the softer moniker People's Prohibition Party. This is largely in the hopes of expanding our appeal base,since everybody likes parties that say they are for "the people". It is also because we are worried we might get sued. Initial considerations of the name Children's Prohibition Party were hastily abandoned once it was noted that laws regarding child drinking were already in place and there was little work to be done in this arena.

We are, however, quite happy to direct our readers to these rather damning statistics regarding drinking and crime in the United States:

Wet counties had 121% more murder, 326% more robberies, 142% more negligent manslaughter, 90% more weapons violations, 426% more disorderly, and 106% more drunkenness.
Drunk driving arrests, adult alcohol and drug arrests, and juvenile arrest for drug violations were all over 30% higher in wet counties.
Population growth from 1990-2000 in dry counties was almost three times that of wet counties (2000 census data).
Law enforcement personnel needs in wet counties averaged 1 per 318 citizens as opposed to 1 per 501 citizens in a dry county (Arkansas Criminal Information Center).

It is our solemn belief that the fact that most dry counties are located in the middle of God-awful nowhere, far from urban centers where the majority of these crimes are committed and the greatest bulk of the population is located, is of no consequence to the truth of the matter that alcohol use, no matter how moderate, is clearly the root of all criminal pathology.

The Virgin Post

2004-10-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

Hello! And welcome to the un-official blog (read: completely unrelated to the actual, real-life party and in fact created, designed and maintained only to take the piss) of the Prohibition Party of the United States!

Let us start by introducing the manifesto and ultimate goals of our party:

*To distract police officers and other law enforcement officials from the chore of arresting murderers, thieves, wife-beaters and general louts to hassle and detain otherwise law-abiding citizens for possession of beer.

*The re-empowerment of the Mafia, to the extent they are nearly running the entire country.

*The return of the old-fashioned "speakeasy". Many states no longer allow cigarette smoking in their public drinking houses, so we see no reason why they should continue to allow drinking as well.

*To bring an abrupt halt to any social displays of amusement or mirth of any kind.

*To make it absolutely clear to all adult citizens that we know what's good for them better than they ever will.

*To cripple several vital industries and public service sectors by making them against the law. Or at least driving them underground so that the sum of their profits will be entirely tax-free.

*To encourage the cumbersome yet rewarding hobby of home brewing alcohol.

*To foster international trade with our neighboring countries by exhorting foreign distillers to sneak their legally manufactured beverages across the border free of duty or trade restrictions.

*To bring a halt to all crime, since everybody knows that all social ills and abuse only occur following alcohol consumption.

*The mystification and forbidden allure of alcohol in the hopes that this will make it more attractive to the public at large.

*To make absolutely no distinction whatsoever between drinking and drunkeness. The Bible doesn't. Well, it does, but that's beside the point and we tend to ignore the bits of it that don't suit our agenda.

So, if you've still not made your mind up as to whom you should vote for come this November, consider the Prohibition Party! Your children will not be safe, and in fact, will probably die horrible deaths before your very eyes by year's end, until you do.